Winter Silence

There is an astounding silence inside, as loud as the roaring wind outside. The gap between them, screamed of two logs adrift at sea.

Here, at the winter of their love, gone is the fresh lingering smell of spring, the cool, misty spray of monsoons; the warmth of summer. Those times when they snuggled, tugged at each other…their feet, hands, lips, eyes…a distant memory, as if of another life.

They face each other; that’s all they do now. Even the air around them is dynamic against the stillness they exude…vacuous! desolate! How they got here, they know. The main question is, why did they get here?

Do trees feel less pain when lightening strikes and splits their centre in two…or is it more painful when they are violently uprooted? Is one more physical and the other more emotional? Gutted!either ways…

She knew the moment she stopped…when she ceased counting! Being seen as an object, one who serves a role, purely functional, who is worthy because of what she does; not for who she is…realizing that…that’s the vicious uprooting that she endured.

That she will stop trying, connecting, dancing, communicating…he didn’t ever imagine! Tried as much as he did, his attempts to mend, vapourised.

Quietly, they prayed for a better tomorrow, yet their strife made apparent that that day was nowhere near. And yet, they stayed…

Here they were! Facing each other, the candlelight burning between them, glasses of wine, their warm steaks ready for the taking.

The waiter’s gentle “Enjoy your meal” bringing with it the consciousness of their surround, the laughter around them, slow gentle music played by the live band, the aroma of flowers and food interspersed.

He raised his glass. She followed.
In unison, they toasted “Happy Anniversary!”

the space in between

She stood still, as she watched the stranger stare back at her from the other side of the mirror. Standing at a little over 5 feet, her mind raced a millions miles a minute, alternating between succumbing to her shattered hopes and dreams; and stubborn belief that the future will be better. The reflection on the other side evoked poise, confidence; with a touch of intrigue and drive. The external facade. The portrayal of the modern-day woman that screams out of millions of adverts. Same brush strokes, different shades.

“I don’t recognise you”, she said to her reflection, while she ran her gently hands over her face, down to her neck, stopping at the scar hidden underneath the high neckline of her dress. “But then, I don’t recognise this either. We should be the same, you and I. And yet, you seem…. somehow bigger,” she said to her reflection.

When had the space in-between taken over?
When did the version of herself become a collection of the external world’s view of her?
When did the red angry scars on her body stop hurting and become redundant?
When had she stopped noticing that the sun had pushed through the clouds and that mornings were brighter?

When had she become a caricature of all things that she abhorred in life?

Irrecognition. Stasis.

Favourite Things

This year, the boys demanded a ‘superhero’ cake for their birthday. There had to be 2 different cakes, with more than 1 superhero on the cake! While I had great fun making the cake for them, I have to admit that I was also slightly bored…

Within a span of a year, my boys moved on from their love of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse to Superheroes! From appreciating Mickey and Minnie to focusing only on ‘male’ heroes…Minnie and Daisy are boring apparently! From smaller, slower paced cars to faster race cars and trains, and even bigger, Monster trucks! Even the books that they choose to read, the stories that we need to make up…are all around vehicles and ‘boy’ things! Gone are the tales of Peter Rabbit, The Caterpillar, Fernando the bull, The Gruffalo, Topsy and Tim and a visit to the Zoo…. enter ‘Thomas and friends’, ‘Lightning Mcqueen’. And so now, I am surrounded 24×7, by a unidimensional world of trains and automobiles! Very rarely do I get lucky…when I manage to convince them to make shapes other than cars with their play dough.

When did gender stereotypes start setting in so early? How do kids instinctively know what toys they should play with and what to avoid? Growing up, I remember my sisters and me playing cricket and other games with my brothers for a very long time, even though we also played ‘House’ and with our dolls. In some ways, I can hardly blame the boys, they have only each other for company and they don’t get a chance to interact with their cousins, a sister included. This, I guess,  is the direct pitfall of living in a nuclear family, in a city where there is no extended family or close friends.

I remember that my mother used to say that they would leave us children to our own devices and would let us run around, while they watched from a distance and went about their chores. I don’t think that this method is applicable anymore. While I have never been one to plan much, I have learnt that today, planning is critical. My list of summer camps and activities have been charted down…(mycity4kids.com having played a big role in helping me decide my options).

But beyond these, there are other things that I hope to introduce in their lives as they grow…erstwhile board games – carrom, ludo, snakes and ladders; midnight storytelling and camping trips. Even baking and cooking 🙂  How much success I have with any or all of these options, only time will tell. But these are some of my favourite childhood things, some great memories, that I want my children to know and experience…so that they learn to have fun in more ways than one. And ultimately, in the long run, be more well-rounded individuals.

a roomful of emptiness

it has been a year
be still, my tears,
lest her golden face
fade away in a haze.

in silence, we dine
empty hearts, doth pine.
where is that open smile
seared into our minds?