Favourite Things

This year, the boys demanded a ‘superhero’ cake for their birthday. There had to be 2 different cakes, with more than 1 superhero on the cake! While I had great fun making the cake for them, I have to admit that I was also slightly bored…

Within a span of a year, my boys moved on from their love of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse to Superheroes! From appreciating Mickey and Minnie to focusing only on ‘male’ heroes…Minnie and Daisy are boring apparently! From smaller, slower paced cars to faster race cars and trains, and even bigger, Monster trucks! Even the books that they choose to read, the stories that we need to make up…are all around vehicles and ‘boy’ things! Gone are the tales of Peter Rabbit, The Caterpillar, Fernando the bull, The Gruffalo, Topsy and Tim and a visit to the Zoo…. enter ‘Thomas and friends’, ‘Lightning Mcqueen’. And so now, I am surrounded 24×7, by a unidimensional world of trains and automobiles! Very rarely do I get lucky…when I manage to convince them to make shapes other than cars with their play dough.

When did gender stereotypes start setting in so early? How do kids instinctively know what toys they should play with and what to avoid? Growing up, I remember my sisters and me playing cricket and other games with my brothers for a very long time, even though we also played ‘House’ and with our dolls. In some ways, I can hardly blame the boys, they have only each other for company and they don’t get a chance to interact with their cousins, a sister included. This, I guess,  is the direct pitfall of living in a nuclear family, in a city where there is no extended family or close friends.

I remember that my mother used to say that they would leave us children to our own devices and would let us run around, while they watched from a distance and went about their chores. I don’t think that this method is applicable anymore. While I have never been one to plan much, I have learnt that today, planning is critical. My list of summer camps and activities have been charted down…(mycity4kids.com having played a big role in helping me decide my options).

But beyond these, there are other things that I hope to introduce in their lives as they grow…erstwhile board games – carrom, ludo, snakes and ladders; midnight storytelling and camping trips. Even baking and cooking 🙂  How much success I have with any or all of these options, only time will tell. But these are some of my favourite childhood things, some great memories, that I want my children to know and experience…so that they learn to have fun in more ways than one. And ultimately, in the long run, be more well-rounded individuals.

The Myth of the Ideal Parent

I have often heard that raising kids, or even being around them, could bring out the child in you. It’s generally true I found…each time I sit to entertain and keep my boys engaged, when we play multiple games, when my husband and I create and enact our own stories. Or when we don our comic hats, just to get them out of one of their tantrums. Even better, when every year I plan their birthday… the treats, the surprises…with enthusiasm bubbling within me.

Only recently it hit me that, while being with my boys transports me back to my carefree younger days, my being able to do just that, once in a while, has made me mature as a parent! Sounds complicated? Not really…

In today’s world of information and free ‘advice’, social media that we are exposed to, most parents, especially mothers step into parenthood by learning or reading about the concept of parenting. Open communication, free play, allowing children to be themselves and accept their personalities, and so on, form the foundation of good parenting. All these are good messages…meant in the best interest of any individual.

And yet, my interactions with young moms made me realize that while they absorb these messages, they inevitably put a subliminal pressure on themselves. Mental ‘boxes’ get formed…on how one needs to behave with their child. For example, would being a strict parent (or too liberal) be detrimental to the growth of the child? Or even, how much discipline is acceptable? What makes this worse is being forever conscious of being judged by an outside world!

I started my journey into parenthood 4 years back with my twin boys. At that time, I had strong concepts of ideal parenthood…what I should and should not do. But all these ideals were just ideas. And this is where my conflict began. In my attempt to execute the ideal, I forgot my own individuality…the complex combination of thoughts, moods, emotions, goals that make me. Reality is that I have been very, very far away from being that ideal parent…the concept and I are literally poles apart! I raged, cried, had massive emotional breakdowns. Many people I knew judged me (mostly covertly) …very few empathized!

One day it dawned on me…no matter what the world thought, or even what I thought of myself, my boys didn’t care. For them I was their mother, by ‘name’ literally, and one of their best friends, their Daddy being the other 🙂

Something eased within me, I felt free and I learnt to let go. With this inner freedom, I found a new balance and growth a parent. My boys and I disagree and argue often (for most moms with twins out there, you will know how tough arguing with two little tykes is :)). I don my disciplinary hat too. But we also have our share of fun, create some crazy memories, I laugh at myself and we begin and end each day with a lot of love.

On their 4^th birthday, while their excitement knows no bounds with the steady stream of gifts and special treats, I wonder and celebrate how much my boys have grown from the tiny preemies they came into the world as. At the same time, I thank them for teaching me forgiveness, acceptance, free love…for helping me mature as a parent, and grow as an adult. But still not…an ideal parent…just not yet! 🙂

image courtesy colorsoflife.com

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a roomful of emptiness

it has been a year
be still, my tears,
lest her golden face
fade away in a haze.

in silence, we dine
empty hearts, doth pine.
where is that open smile
seared into our minds?

the kids will be alright

Wisdom, according to me, is knowledge-cum-intelligence, in retrospect. Knowledge of circumstances that one encounters and intelligence of arriving at solutions, based on experiences, failures before becoming successful! In this piece, I share some nuggets of wisdom on being a twin mom, to any expecting or a new mom of twins.

But the attempt is not to preach. I received more than my share of it, before and after the kids were born; and only a few stuck. The following points are based purely on my experiences, and may not apply to all moms of twins.